Superwoman I ain't

Brace yourself. This is gonna be long.

So... My best friend and I were in bed together, talking up a storm again... And get the x-rated images out of your head. She was sick, and I had gone to visit her.

We talked about a recent article we had read in Marie Claire, about quarter life crisis. Anyway, the gist of the article was that, women today have so much more freedom and so many choices that we expect ourselves to do more. We tend to have this great self-expectations, and when we are unable to meet those expectations, say by age 26-30, then quarter life crisis comes in.

We are bombarded with movies about women who zip up the professional ladder, have enviable wardrobes, enjoy a rocking social life, and have great love lives. TCALSS, they have made it, all within the 26-30 age mark. Fashion mags exhort us to be "fun, fearless, female" and "sexy, stylish, spirited".

So..here we are, at the age when we are supposed to have made it. And we are still struggling to discover who we are, what we want out of life, still not making it. And I never realised I too had this quarter life crisis thing going on. But the more we talked about it, the more I realised that I am going through a very bad version of it.

Thing is, when we realise that we are still such a long way from making it, our self-confidence erodes. Every other woman seems to be like superwoman, effortlessly juggling personal,social and professional lives. I feel like a non-achiever, a failure, and that feeling is so crippling that it paralyzes me to the point where I dont even want to focus on my work. I stay at home all day, logging in a lot of net time to escape reality, kind of.

And from what I gather from my closest girlfriends, personal relationships seem to be a major casualty of this crisis. 90% of my friends claim to be scared of marriage. This fear stems from the fact that if we get married, we would not have as much time to devote to our professional and social lives; that we would become drudges, tied to the kitchen, while our friends zip up the corporate ladder in their designer clothes, and dancing away at the most happening social events.

And this quarter life crisis hit me hard, to the extent that I all but damaged my academic and my love life. I demanded that I HAVE to be "me". I hated working on my paper, because I thought that working within a theory would stifle my creative juices. So I didnt write anything at all, even though my paper is due.

I also suddenly feared that a committed relationship would stifle "me", that I would lose my identity within the relationship. I know its illogical, given the fact that I have been in a relationship for 5 years, and have discovered parts of me that I didnt know existed before.

Basically, the realisation that I was not superwoman freaked me out to such an extent that I behaved like a first-class jerk. I was so freaked out by my fear of failure that I allowed it to take control of me. And I ended up hurting the most important person in my life.

I used to laugh at the phrase "mid-life crisis". Now that I am experiencing my quarter life crisis, I realize that its no laughing matter.

Today... I decided to get a hair cut. It didnt look right, so I told them to cut more and more, and now my hair is soooo short I can't even tie it up. My friend told me it looks good. I feel defenceless. And less of a woman.

I know, I know. All these is illogical. No one expects me to be superwoman with the long hair... except, maybe, me. ***sigh***

And the worst part is, my body craves Nicotine like hell. A few more days of this and I see myself foaming at the mouth, staring blankly into space and rolling around on the floor like Homer Simpson.

I had my 27th birthday on the 30th of March. I share a bday with Eric Clapton, Tracy Chapman, Norah Jones and Van Gogh. That cheered me up a little. Silly, I know, but one of my little quirks.

Anyway, I reflected long and hard. Decided to get over my crisis. So...last night, I forced myself to work on my dissertation. And it wasn't that bad. I was able to incorporate my own ideas, while letting theory guide me. Decided to prioritise:

So what if I don't have a career now? There's still time, and besides, I don't intend to let my career consume all of me.

So what if Cosmo says my clothes are" sooo last year"? If they make me feel good, then screw Cosmo.

So what if they say I am dependent on my man? He's my refuge when I'm sad, my air when I'm happy, and our relationship is the truest mirror of who I really am. Yes, I need him.

So what if I am not that social? I prefer quiet moments with my closest friends than being stuffed in a tight room with lots of strange sweaty bodies.

So...crisis over?? No, not exactly. I know I will still occasionally feel insecure when I see other superwomen. But now I refuse to let my insecurity paralyse me.

We women have to realise that our good enough IS good enough. And that it doesn't mean that we are being complacent or settling for a second-rate life.

So here I am, Kukui with the short hair, the neuroses, a 27 year old angst-ridden researcher and lover. Still haven't made it. And refuses to care too much about it.

And feeling liberated and relieved that I do not have to be superwoman to be a woman.